April 21, 2011

So many! So many people I have left behind already and yet their faces burn in my memory as an exploding star, brighter then the sun in the sky, brighter then the coldest star in the universe and yet, so dark as the darkest pit of the galaxy.
The emptiness is so vast that there is nothing I can do to stop it. All around me seems to spread like a virus. And yet I remember.
What have I forgotten? Who can’t I remember? What is the face that is missing in my memory and that now seems so important as life itself? That unknown face burning on my mind as the stars collapse and, right there, in the end of Everything is with me? I know you. I always did. But, who are you? Who are you? Who are you?
All this time I’ve been searching and yet I feel you. It is you who has always been here, close, watching, not interfering. Watching every tumble I take and patting my head every time I cry. And yet I cannot see you. Cannot remember you. I can only feel the lightness of your touch when I breath, when I see the most beautiful things of the Universe, those things that only I can see. Only We can see. But I cannot se you. What am I missing? Is it you that I am missing?
The room is empty and yet I feel all the air being drained. My sanity with it. Where to? What is happening? I can no longer feel what was. I can only feel everything: what was, what could be, what will be; the vastness of nothing and everything. The whole fabric of space and time and matter. My brain is racing. I am racing. Towards nothing and everything. No one racing with me. There has never been. I run too slow and too fast at the same time. And yet I’m stopped. Stopped in time and thought. Suspended from existing. Suspended from knowing the real you. Who? No one and yet Everything!! How can this be? What is it? Is it real? Where does it end? When will I start dreaming or wake up? When will I fly? Is this it? What can I do? What should I do? When? Where? When am I? Who am I? will I not die? Will you die with me? Please! Do not let me travel alone. Not anymore! Do not breath or see or touch! Just touch me again and breath wind into me. Let me breath, let me see, let me fly and watch over me. BURN ME! Burn yourself against my MIND! INTO ME! Let me see all of you! Let me be all of you! For all eternity! Let my name be burned into the stars! Let then weep for the loss of someone Important! Let them cry! Cry as hard as they can! Cry until the rivers boil and the trees rot and burst into flames and become ashes and dust and nothing! BURN as I do Every single moment of my existence! Burn of sadness and emptiness and moments of happiness! Burn for running away! For running from a Soul as old as the Dust and time itself! From running from yourself! From YOUR Reality: you do not want to be happy. You do not want to be who you are! You just want to keep the same you ever were! Not letting yourself go! Not giving yourself to me but taking me from myself with no protest! Shame on you! Shame on you all who do not know they are burning! And that they’ll always be burning! Burning all of you inside my mind. Inside me! Leaving nothing but ashes and the void. No water to cry, no food to eat, no eyes to see. Just fire under the cold dead skin. Under the cold and dead mind!
Where the cold and the boiling combine into one. And the Tower falls. The point where Reality collapses and there is nothing. STOP looking at me! Stop seeing me!! Stop knowing me! Forget me. Forget what we were! And know that I will never!! My curse is to carry the thoughts and moment and Time itself with me to the end of Time. To the time where none, none of you remembers me, if you ever did.
My curse. MY CURSE! My curse is that I will never be remembered. My curse is that, at the end of Time I will never have been. A Paradox so real that the consequence is obvious. There is no time. There is only one eternal moment. One moment that never was. A person that never was. One million moments of emptiness and nothingness. An explosion of emptiness as big as a thousands Supernovas combined. A never ending moment.

Maxwell R. Black
April 21, 2011

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